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May 24th, 2005
10:53 am
Alright I'm done with this live journal. I know I haven't had it long, but I just need a change.
My new one is Nyellnanda. Surprise surprise.
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May 22nd, 2005
May 21st, 2005
11:24 pm
Things are going good. I'm kinda excited to go back to school and be with the girls. I really want to do better next semester and show my parents that I can do a good job. I think I'll be a lot more focused and realize that it's not just a time to do what I want. I'm spending my parents money and a lot of it so i better put it to better use.
I really like being home right now too. I start working at the Elk's sometime next week. I'm kinda scared, but I'm glad it's a small place. In two weeks I also start working at the dance clothing store. That will be fun because I can mess with the displays and pretty much do what I want while I'm there.
For awhile I felt like I was hanging out with some real, good friends. Yesterday I think I realized that they don't really see me as a good friend, just someone who always hangs out with them. I dunno, I'm still confused about all of that. But I found a place where I've always been welcome and I love being there. It brings back a lot of memories and I always have a good time while I'm there.
Things are falling into place.
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May 4th, 2005
03:24 pm
As I sit in my room I can hear the voices of my three roommates "studying" for their history final. Every now and then I'll hear something about Martin Luther or some Dynasty. Then someone says "remember that commercial" or "Bananas! B-A-N-A...did you see that video? Total chaos. But that's why I've loved every minute living with these girls. Through the tears on the floor to the "are you mad at me?" and all the other lil things that mattered so much at the time, but now are just things we laugh about. I love each of them for who they are and what I've seen in them through the past year together.
I can see us being old and wrinkly in the future and meeting at McDonald's to talk about our sex lives... or lack there of. This has been a live changing experience and I'll never be the person I use to be. Now a piece of each of them will always be a part of me and who I am. And I can say I'm completely proud to have each one of those pieces. Thank you girls, I LOVE YOU!
And now... what you've all been waiting for:
THE TOP DUMBEST THINGS D's SAID, DONE, OR THOUGHT IN THE PAST YEAR!
1. What's a hugger?
2. Maybe it just took awhile to wear off?
3. Maybe usher was his last name?
4. Whose team? What team?
5. Yeah, well....it's better because you're grandma's dead!
6. 334...THREE THIRTY FOUR...duh....wait...
7. What's a poontang?
8. My Dg...dgjgjgjgjgjgjg.
9. Do all black people smoke it like that?
10. D...why are you stopping here? It's not a stop sign. Oh, oops.
11. Woooot woot woot.
And I'm sure there is many more... but you'll have to ask my gals about those.
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April 20th, 2005
11:28 pm
today had a slow start. I didn't feel good at all. I missed my first class, which involved a test. I went to the teacher today and apologized in person and said that I haven't been feeling well. He was surprisingly very nice about it and i'm re-taking the test tomorrow. I don't know how i'll do, but at least it will be something. I have extra credit in the class too.
I can't believe it's almost finals week. WOW things are soo crazy.
I've had dance practice every night for my preformance this weekend. I'm kinda excited, I more just want to get it over with, but then I know that I'm going to miss dancing soo much. I'm goin to try to get into a club in the fall so I can keep doing it. It's such a stress reliever for me.
Mom and Dad are coming up Friday. I miss them so it'll be good to see them.
Can't wait till Keira comes home!!! I miss you babe!!!
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April 18th, 2005
10:39 pm
I'll let the memories we've made relax on these nights.
They will keep me warm and calm.
Hugging you, holding me, your skin my skin...
They are beautiful in every way. I will save them.
We will be at peace in my dreams.
And we will make love again.
And it will be a dream come true.
I love you always and forever.
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12:35 pm
I'm glad I didn't post the entry I was going to last night. It's better to wait and let your thoughts settle.
Now, I'm going to use this time for me. Last night was full of many intense emotions and as I went through them I realized how much I have grown. His decision is one he made for himself and I think it is a good one. As long as it's honest. I will use this time to think about my anger. I don't want to just walk away, or say something I shouldn't, or say nothing at all. I want to think about my feelings before I react to them. I think this will make things better for everyone.
Please realize that I am putting all my trust in you and what it is that you need to do. Please don't break my heart. If at any time you think our future will not be a future, let me know. Please.
Also, I need to use this time for the last few weeks in school. I need to get through it wisely and complete everything I need to do. Today I have an appointment with my adviser for the fall semester. Hopefully he will give me some guidance on what my next steps should be.
My dance recital is this weekend, Friday and Saturday, I'm never really nervous for them since I've been doing them since I was 4. Although this will be at a different level in my life and I'm sure it will make my parents proud. I'm confident to say that I am a good dancer and people will see that.
Everything is going to be OK.
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April 11th, 2005
01:35 pm
I don't know why but I have this heavy feeling on my chest. I just feel like something wrong is going to happen, or I'm doing something wrong. It's really hard to explain. I think I'm just getting stressed from everything I have to do for school. I missed my art class last week and apparently we did a lot. I hope it doesn't mess up my grade too much.
I just can't wait till school is over and I have the summer. I'll get a job and hopefully it'll be a relaxing change.
My legs really hurt from babysitting. lol. We played outside a lot and I kept running up and down their stairs. I still haven't gone to dance class yet today so that will be interesting. Hopefully we won't be there the whole time because the dance is finished.
I'm not eating right and that might be a part of why I feel like this. I'm going out to get food later.
Need to figure out my classes for next year.
Need to write three papers for my art class.
Need to stop smoking!!!
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April 9th, 2005
08:21 pm
This feeling I get at night isn't fun at all. For some reason I just feel so lonely. I couldn't imagine being a single parent. All day you have to put up this act for your kids, not really an act, but all of yourself goes into their happiness and what they do every day. I've been with them since Tuesday and I never realized how hard it is. It's not really hard to take care of them, but you have to remember they aren't at the same level of maturity as you. which makes things hard when you are feeling upset about something and you don't any one to talk to about it, you just have to keep going on like nothing is wrong. And then by the end of the day all these things have bottled up in your head and you have nothing to do with them.
Anyway I hate to say it, but I do miss Jake. I know I get to see him a lot more then other people, but of course I still miss him. I can't wait to be done with babysitting and go back to things being normal. lol.
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April 6th, 2005
11:53 pm
It's been so nice out. I love it. Lately I haven't been feeling to great. Mentally mostly. I've just been feeling down about myself. I'm feeling better though. I just can't wait to get all my work done for these classes and just get this semester over with. I'm not going to be taking classes in the summer now. My parents didn't really want me to anyway, I'd be driving back and forth from home to school and of course that made mom worry like crazy.
I'll be getting a job though, and I'll be able to go on vacation with my parents. Usually I brought a friend, but I don't know what I'm going to do this summer. Maybe I won't go and just chill at home for a week. Maybe one of the girls will want to go with me. Hmmm.... I really wanted to take Jake, we would have had a great time. But that's all messed up with my parents right now, I really just want them to stay out of that kind of business.
So I'm hoping I get decent grades for this semester. I'm sure they won't be what I want them to be, but as long as I stay away from academic probation. Next year I'll do a lot better. A year in college goes so much faster then a year in high school. Jeez I can't believe some of my friends will be graduating from high school this year. I wonder what some of them are planning on doing.
Tomorrow I go babysit in Bellefonte until Sunday. It'll be a lot of money that I definetly need. I just hope I keep it around for awhile and don't blow it like I tend to do.
Again, I want to quit smoking.
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April 2nd, 2005
09:58 pm
This weekend has been amazing. Everything was so perfect. i fell asleep with a smile that I think was the purest I've ever had. He can honestly take my breath away. The way he cares for me, loves me, holds me, talks to me, kisses me, touches me... I can't imagine what my life would be like without him in it. There would be a part of me missing. I'm not saying my life would end, it would just never be the same.
When we lay together I feel like we were two lost puzzle pieces that finally met our match. We fit so perfectly.
I'm going to try to cut back on the smoking. It's causing my harm then satisfaction now. Hopefully in the summer I will completely be done with it.
I saw Matt in the play this weekend. I was so proud of him and it was awesome to see a play at a college level. Made me feel like I have grown up a lil. It was fun to go with all the girls. I realized how much they are apart of me and things are not the same without them. Everything is just a little bit crazier when they are around. I can't wait for next year.
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March 30th, 2005
09:43 am
Why am I starting to feel these feelings again? The loneliness, I'm not lonely, I have every one I need. It's a horrible fight in my mind at night. I lay there, my body so calm and still... but slowly one by one a thought will creep into my mind, with each comes a violent punch to my heart.
In my body there is complete panic. Everything is falling apart underneath my eyelids, like a movie, like a nightmare.
During the day it feels the same, only in slow motion. My body moves so slowly, while my mind is moving so fast it makes me dizzy. Makes me feel like I'm living in two different bodies at two different times. The only thing that seems to ease these feelings is a cigarette.... and you....
I bounce back and forth wondering if I love you too much, or still not enough. It's a comfort just to know you picked me for now and that you love me for now. But I can't help but wonder what the years will bring, if they will bring us apart. I told a friend last night that you are the first person I've been with who I can see myself spending the rest of my life with and not having a single doubt. Whatever comes our way I know we would work through it, we always have. Maybe not in the right way, but we've over come many obstacles.
For some reason being without you is something I just can't have right now. And no I'm not saying you need to talk to me every second and be at my every beckon call. Just know that I love you and when I vent, it's not to target you, sometimes this is the only place I can go to when all the other person can do is listen.... i can just go on and on like I have here and it doesnt matter.
I don't want to miss out on your life and I don't want you to miss out on mine, because you're a huge part of this life i have.... hell you're the reason I'm living my life the way I am. You hold me together in so many ways you don't even realize. I didn't realize it until recently.... but you're my strength, my comfort, my courage.... like i always say, my home.
I love you so much.
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08:40 am
I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to want you all to myself and without any other. I want to be apart of that sunrise you talk about.
For some reason i can't stop crying.... I feel like I lost something or am losing something.
Maybe you don't need me anymore....
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March 29th, 2005
10:45 pm
I hate this.... I never get to talk to you anymore because you are always asleep. You sleep through the rest of the day and get up late at night and talk to all your new friends and share your thoughts with them. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or say i'm mad. I just miss being able to talk to you and tell you how my day went and just say our random things.
Something amazing has just happened with me and you aren't there to share it with. I just dont like the way this is going and i wish there is something you could do to get your sleeping back to normal. of course not just for me, but for you. I'm afraid you'll just ware yourself out. There is so much more I want to say, but I want to talk to you about it and not the computer screen.
I feel like i've been away from home for months...and you're only minutes away.
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10:32 am
For some strange reason my knee has been bothering me really badly. It wakes me up in the night and i just can't get comfortable. I'm gonna wait a couple more days and then i'll make a doctors appointment. It's been hurting for a week now, but if i wait and it still hurts mom will maybe realize that something might be wrong. Plus i had problems in the past with it and i had therapy and everything. Bah. I have dance class today also. Hopefully my knee won't get in the way.
Didn't go to classes. I'm sure I'll go the rest of the week. I have to go to the art building today and work on my painting. And don't think it's some artist awesome painting that is skilled. It's not at all.
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March 28th, 2005
11:49 pm
Tonight was good. Tomorrow hopefully will be ok, and I'll go to my classes and do everything right.
In some ways i feel like i've messed up with some friends. I should have kept them around and realized what they meant to me. But at the same time I've realized who my friends are and that some of them never knew me in the first place.
I love Nanda and I'm so glad we've been able to hang out lately. We have somuch in common with the people we are, yet we both have things about us that the other doesnt and i think that's awesome. I hope she's around for a long time in my life. I think we know how to take care of each other if we need to.
Time for bed
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11:46 pm
I miss you so much. I can't believe how much I've fallen in love with you all over again. Even after everything that has happened, and all the troubles, I just can't live with out you. Nothing else feels right. I hope I can fall asleep tonight and I hope you can just sleep through the night for once. I want to hear your voice again, just the quietness and love in it. Thank you so much for everything you've done. For all those amazing smiles you give me and everything you let me share with you. I love you.
please sleep through the night...
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March 26th, 2005
07:33 pm
I hate it when you do this...
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March 20th, 2005
07:07 pm
Although so many things can be a mess every day. I love my life and every thing in it. Even though I feel so exhausted from day to day. I can't help but smile. I have a boy who loves me like no other. A person who knows my every inch of being. I've settled my self inside of him and I never want to leave. His heart his an open door to me and I admire him for that. I want him to remember that I love him for the person he is and I hope that he can always be that person, and even on his search now for what he has lost, whatever he finds again, or finds new, I'll love him even more.
When I was gone this weekend he was with me, I wanted him closer, but I knew he was there. When I missed him the most I heard my phone ring, and although I didn't get to it in time, he left the message that had exactly what I needed. A simple I love you and miss you.
I'm going to try my best again here and for the life I want to live. I'm glad I know he'll be by my side. And I hope he knows I'll always be by his and that my words are always words of love.
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